


The Night Sky Doesn't Talk Back

by VanillaWafer42



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Basically all angst, Because I love Pidge more than this world will ever know, Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Gen, Like most of my stories, Pidge misses her family, Pidge | Katie Holt Angst, Pidge | Katie Holt is a Mess, Pidge | Katie Holt-centric, and a dock, and its a starry sky, and there aren't enough pidge stans out there, and water, byebye, enough tagging, mainly just for the aesthetic tho, not much else, so here i am, there's a planet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:14:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24710641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VanillaWafer42/pseuds/VanillaWafer42
Summary: On earth, her family was anything but perfect. But, through thick and thin, the four Holt's managed to stay one happy little family. They argued just as much as the next family, and it took them longer than most to agree on a movie they would all enjoy. But they loved each other with everything. And when the day was over, each one of them would go through heck for any other member. Then that family got torn in two, and the happy memories were soon replaced with sobbing and shouting and screaming for hours on end, searching for answers in a deep, empty, cold truth that the remaining people were lead to believe. After months and months of persistent research and undercover info, the remaining members of the already broken family were separated. One left behind, one off in a giant flying space lion hurdling right into a war they have no place to fight in. As the broken family mourns the losses of the many, the specific losses of the rest of their family weighs down on their shoulders. And sometimes, dealing with the pain alone is the best way to connect with all the possibilities of rescue, discovery, or even dreams.OrPidge misses her family, and remembers them one night out in outer space.
Relationships: Pidge & Nature
Comments: 1
Kudos: 15





	The Night Sky Doesn't Talk Back

**Author's Note:**

> Here we are.
> 
> Another non-Kidge one-shot.
> 
> It feels so weird to write these.
> 
> But, this has been an idea I've had for a while.
> 
> Also, a quick little note about the story, there is a bit of binary code in it. I thought it would make sense for the story, but not everyone knows it. It's not essential to know what the code says to understand the one-shot, but if you really want to know then just find an online decoder. 
> 
> Teehee.
> 
> I hope you like it.

_It was early October. The air was cold, and the leaves were a sluggish mix of orange and brown. It was pouring outside, the rain pattering down on the shingled roof. The sky was gray, and thunder could be heard in the distance. The grass was soaked, and a steady stream of water flowed from the edge of the gutter. The backyard was a wet mess, the trees were dripping with water, the toys were buried in mud, and murky puddles decorated the entire surface area._

_Katie frowned. Rainy days were just so boring. There was never anything to do. She wanted to go outside, run around, look at the clouds that made funny shapes, hop on Matt's back and parade around the yard. She wanted to have fun, but the weather was restricting her playtime._

_A hand rested on her shoulder, causing her to turn from the window. A ten-year-old Matt looked down at her with hazel eyes, a smile plastered on his face. Katie rolled her eyes._

_"What is it, Mattie?" She asked, turning back to the window. She wanted to have fun. Why couldn't Matt get that?_

_"Wanna have some fun?" He asked, kneeling down next to her. She looked at him and saw the spark in his eyes. She couldn't help but let a little smile escape. Matt always found a way to have fun, even in the most dreary of situations. And now, he was definitely plotting something._

_..........................._

_"Die, feeble alien scum!!" Katie shouted, aiming her finger gun at different spots in the house. Matt was pressed against her back, doing the same with his fingers._

_Katie pointed her 'gun' at a pillow in the corner of the house. "There!" Matt screamed, charging towards the pillow. Katie let out a battle cry, and the two attacked the small cushion._

_Pillows flew this way and that, Katie and Matt rolled across the floor, ducking and maneuvering to avoid the incoming enemies. The pile of pillows grew larger, and with every twist or turn the two children made they flung them in all directions._

_Suddenly, Matt stopped rolling. "Katie..." he whispered, looking up at the ceiling._

_Katie's eyes went wide. "Matt, no!"_

_"They, they got me! I'M AN ALIEN NOW! MUAHAHA!" He shouted, and scrambled over to her. She let out a fake cry of fear, and did her best to crawl over the pile of pillows to escape certain doom. She was too slow._

_Matt tackled her onto the couch. Katie wriggled in her brother's tight embrace, to no avail. She was stuck. The aliens were invading her planet._

_"Matt, please!" She pleaded, looking up into his eyes._

_"No! I'm not Matt, I'm Evil Matt!" He let out another evil laugh._

_"Well, then my spaceship will just have to come in and save me!" Katie shouted, looking over Matt's shoulder at an imaginary UFO. Matt turned to face what she was looking at, and he gasped. "No! Not that! Anything but the spaceship!"_

_"Spaceship, attack! Use the mustard cannons!" Katie commanded._

_"NO! I hate mustard!" Matt screamed, climbing off Katie and hiding in the stack of pillows._

_"Pachoo, pachoo, pachoo! Mustard guns!" She shouted, ambushing Matt from inside the pillows. He yelped in surprise, falling to the ground as one of the mustard shots hit him._

_"Now I use the power of teamwork to bring you back to normal!" Katie shouted, raising both her hands into the air. She hummed a little tune, then brought her hands down over Matt. He shook his head a couple times, then looked back up at her._

_"Katie?" He asked, sitting up._

_"Matt! You're not evil anymore!" Katie laughed, handing him one of her mustard guns. "Now let's take these aliens down!" Matt smiled and nodded._

_The two continued attacking the enemies all morning. By lunchtime, the living room was an absolute mess, and Matt and Katie were sprawled on the floor, buried in cushions. As Sam walked in to tell the two to wash up for lunch, he gasped at the sight of the room._

_Katie saw her dad's expression and smiled. "Don't worry Dad, Earth is safe!" Sam just chuckled, and helped his kids out of the heaps of pillows._

_"Thank you, you two. You saved the universe from certain doom," he laughed, chasing them into the kitchen. The two children giggled and sprinted to the table. Before they could start eating, Katie snuck a glance out the window._

_It wasn't raining anymore._

_\---------_

It was raining. 

Pidge was sitting criss-cross-applesauce on her bed, and the sound of rain filled her small room. She always hated the rain, something about it just bothered her.

But looking at a picture of Matt just made it worse. 

It had been two months. Two whole months in space, and there wasn't any sign of either of her missing family members. She had kind of assumed coming out into space would allow her to get somewhere in her search for her family. Maybe she could get a lead to their location that didn't result in a dead-end. Maybe she could come across some freed prisoners that knew where they were. 

But nothing had popped up. 

And she wasn't about to stop. 

She placed the picture of Matt back on her nightstand and whipped out her laptop. The team was resting after an intense battle on a planet that seemed really similar to Earth. The Castle was still stationed on the planet, and the other paladins were outside socializing with the tribes that inhabited the planet. Allura and Shiro were probably doing some demonstrative crap for the Voltron Coalition. Lance was probably flirting with some girls, Hunk was probably eating food, Coran was probably ranting to some poor unfortunate alien about Yelmors or something. And Keith...well, maybe she wasn't the only one on the Castle.

She opened her computer and scanned through the lines of code she was working on decoding. It was some recent intel from a Galra cruiser they had managed to infiltrate, and if there was _anything_ on there that could lead her to her family, she would find it. 

Her fingers flew across the keys, her hazel eyes darting this way and that. She was focused. She was going to find something. 

_01001000 01100101 01101100 01110000 00100000 01101101 01100101 00101110 00100000 01001001 00100000 01101110 01100101 01100101 01100100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00101110 00100000 01001001 00100111 01101101 00100000 01101100 01101111 01110011 01110100 00101110 00100000 01001001 00100000 01110111 01100001 01101110 01110100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100010 01100001 01100011 01101011 00101110_

She read line after line, each one just empty info about the movement logs and system upgrades. Nothing on prisoners. She checked the other entries, the other folders, any nook and cranny she could find. 

Her hands had a mind of their own. They were on autopilot, and they knew exactly what she wanted them to do. Her anxious eyes scanned the endless amount of information, desperately hoping for anything related to her family. 

Nothing.

She tried running the code through some of her homemade systems, narrowing it down to the important entries and subsections. She hung onto every last line until she reached the end.

The intel had nothing on her family. 

Nothing even close.

She slammed her computer shut, and begged the tears to stop flowing. She threw her device onto the dirty floor, and let out a cry of anguish. She didn't know anything more than she did hours ago. God, how long had she been coding? Who cared. She was a failure. Any normal person would have found some sort of helpful info by now, maybe even found their family altogether. But her? No. She couldn't do it. 

She slammed her fists into her mattress, letting the tears run freely down her face. She screamed into her pillow. Her body shook with anger. 

She wanted to fix it. 

She wanted to find them.

No.

She _needed_ to find them.

_\---------_

_It was the middle of December. Snow could be seen through the windows, and the faint sound of 'Jingle Bells' wafting through the house. Voices could be heard downstairs, her mother and brother arguing about where to put the Christmas tree. They did that every year._

_Sam and Katie were upstairs in the kitchen, baking cookies. No matter how many times he tried to deny it, Sam loved to bake. He wasn't the greatest at it, but he loved it. And Katie loved cookies, so the two decided to make some._

_"Let me take those out of the oven, Katie. They'll be too hot for you to hold," Sam said, reaching down to pull the latest batch from the oven. As soon as the door opened, the fresh smell of cinnamon filled the kitchen. Sam grabbed the cookie sheet and set it on the stove, closing the oven door._

_"Can I decorate now?" A ten-year-old Katie asked, a piping bag clutched tightly in her hands. Her smile was huge, her eyes like little suns lighting up the kitchen. She looked so happy. Sam chuckled, and lifted the tip of the piping bag so it wasn't facing the ground. He didn't need any frosting spilling out._

_"How 'bout you work on those ones? These are still to warm to be frosted," he said. He pulled out a chair from the dining table and set it next to the counter where the other batches were cooling. Katie stepped onto the chair, raising her high enough to reach the cookies.  
_

_Sam grabbed his own piping bag, and the two started to decorate the sweets. The cookies were all sorts of shapes, from gingerbread men to floppy stars. Sam delicately outlined the cookies, then did a design of small dots in the middle. He glanced over at Katie, and couldn't help but laugh._

_She held her bag over one small cookie, and was squeezing the living daylights out of it. The frosting poured out of it like a waterfall, cascading everywhere on the surface area of the cookie. She was drowning the poor thing in icing to the point where you really couldn't see the cookie anymore. A mountain of sugar stood atop the pastry, and a proud smile rode on Katie's face._

_"Katie, that's a lot of frosting," Sam said, smiling at his daughter._

_" I know!" She replied, hovering her bag over a new victim. "That's the way I like my cookies."_

_Sam laughed again. He went back to decorating his cookies._

_When all the treats were decorated, the two put them on a platter and placed it in the center of the table. Katie reached for one of her icing mountains. She picked up the small cookie and took a bite right in front of Sam's face, giggling while she ate._

_"Katie!" Same exclaimed, faking a surprised tone. "You thought you could eat one without me?" He said, picking up another frosting mountain._

_The two laughed._

_\---------_

The team was laughing.

"You did _what_??" Lance asked through giggles. 

"He fell right on top of the King! Knocked him over!" Allura said, laughing. Shiro had his head buried in his hands. "I didn't mean to! Some little kid grabbed my leg! I didn't want to step on them!"

"You still tackled the King," Hunk said. 

The team was sitting in the dining room. Food goo sat on their plates, and smiles rode on their faces. Well, all but one. Pidge hadn't said a word, only picked at her food. 

"What were you doing the whole time, Lance?" Keith asked, raising an eyebrow. 

"I was spending some time with the ladies," Lance cooed, crossing his arms. "They were totally into me."

Keith looked back to his food goo. "Sure," he said sarcastically, spooning a clump of goo into his mouth. Lance gasped, placing a hand over his heart. "I'm wounded, mullet!" This just arose more laughter. 

"What about you, Pidge?" Shiro asked. At the mention of her name, Pidge looked up from her food. "What?" She asked, not sure what was going on. 

"What were you doing here in the Castle?" Shiro asked once more. 

"Oh. Just decoding some code stuff from our last intel mission."

"Anything helpful?"

"There wasn't any info on the movement of the other ships, so nothing could be added to the Galra finder."

"Oh. I meant about your fam-"

"No. Nothing. Look...I-I'm tired. I'm gonna go take a nap." Pidge said, standing up from her spot and walking out the door. Eyes followed her as she made her exit. Shiro's face fell, and he instantly regretted asking her.

_01010111 01101000 01111001 00100000 01100100 01101001 01100100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01101100 01100101 01100001 01110110 01100101 00100000 01101101 01100101 00111111 00100000 01000011 01101111 01101101 01100101 00100000 01100010 01100001 01100011 01101011 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01101101 01100101 00101100 00100000 01110000 01101100 01100101 01100001 01110011 01100101 00101110_

Pidge flopped down on her mattress. She knew it wasn't the best idea to walk out like that, but she couldn't keep up with the mood. They were all so happy, and she wasn't. What kind of teammate would she be if she ruined their fun?

She rolled onto her back and looked up at the ceiling. Her small fairy lights hung in front of her. 

She felt useless. Her mind was completely empty, a wandering field of mindless thoughts to come and go as they pleased. Usually she was using her brain for something productive like upgrading the Castle or hacking into some Galra crap. Heck, she could even be using it to try and figure out what the frick Coran is rambling about whenever he gives her a hand in her lab. 

Now it was a barren wasteland, watching and waiting for a theory or an idea or a sliver of hope relating to her family. She had to keep an open mind, had to keep believing that they were still out there, waiting for her to come for them. Maybe they had escaped on their own and were part of a separate rebellion doing their own part to end the war. They were still there, looking up at the stars and thinking about home. 

Then it hit her. They didn't even know she was out in space. They didn't know she was a paladin of Voltron. If she died on a mission, they would assume she was still safe on Earth. And if the team never did find them, they would never know. 

Suddenly, the war seemed a lot scarier. The Galra wouldn't show any mercy. And she, a fifteen-year-old, was stuck right in the middle of it. The Galra wanted her dead. No one had wanted her dead before. 

For the first time since hurdling through that wormhole with the rest of the team, she was scared. 

She wanted to go home. She wanted to walk up the doorstep to her house and run into her mother's warm embrace. She wanted to walk into the kitchen and see Matt raiding the fridge like he always used to. She wanted to find Dad hunched over his computer late at night, working on some sort of epic robot. 

She just wanted her family back.

_\---------_

_It was the end of April. Green leaves were poking their way through the branches, and the snow was all gone. The sun stood high in the sky, overlooking the green grass below. It was humid outside, almost like an invisible fog was wrapped around the whole world._

_"Bet you can't catch me!" Katie shouted, running through the park. The concrete sidewalk lined the edge of the grass, and separated the regular park area from the woods. Matt was right on her heels, the two running from their parents as fast as they could._

_"I bet we can!" Sam replied, and the two adults started running after their kids. Fifteen-year-old Matt could run a lot faster than eleven-year-old Katie, so Matt let her hop on his back._

_The two darted along the sidewalk, their parents close behind._

_"There, that tree!" Katie shouted, pointing to the biggest oak tree in the park. Matt nodded and ran to it. Katie extended her arms to wrap around the lowest branch and swung herself up onto the tree._

_After she was safely off his shoulders, he followed her up the tree._

_The two of them climbed as high as they could, and sat on the thick tree branches. Their parents were staring at them from down below, hands on their hips. The two children stuck out their tongues at them._

_"Nice thinking, Katie. Last time I saw Dad climb a tree was when he tripped and his robot flew into one," Matt said. Katie laughed at the memory._

_Katie leaned up against the tree trunk. For some reason, she felt so at home here. In the middle of nature, high up in a tree. Like she was meant to be here of something. Her allergies had often limited her possible exploration in the outdoors, but that didn't mean she never went out. Sure, she would gladly trade a tree for her computer or her projects back at home, but when she was out in nature she felt good._

_She took a deep breath, then looked back at Matt. "How long do you wanna hide here?"_

_"As long as it takes for them to accept defeat."_

_Katie laughed again, looking back down at the adults._

_Then, she felt something strange on her leg. She looked down to see a huge beetle crawling across her thigh. She swatted at it, and it flew off her and towards another tree._

_But the sudden movement made her lose her balance._

_Matt seemed to realize what was happening, and he reached out for her hand. She slid off the branch, and a scream left her mouth. All she could think about was how far it was down from the tree, how long of a fall it was until she would hit the rough concrete._

_She flailed her arms in any hopes of grabbing another branch._

_"Katie!" She heard her brother scream._

_Then her hand came in contact with something._

_And the something squeezed back._

_Matt pulled her back onto the same tree branch that he was sitting on. She curled up against him and he held her close._

_"It's okay, Katie. I'm right here. You're safe," he said soothingly._

_She nodded, still clinging to him._

_Her brother was there for her, would protect her and keep her safe._

_And wrapped up in his warm arms, she felt at home._

_\---------_

There were a few times when the Castle felt like home.

The shouts of Keith and Lance that permanently echoed throughout the halls, the smell of something delicious wafting through the rooms, the sound effects of video games coming from somewhere in the vents, the soft surface of the couch in the lounge room, the steam that spread from Lance's bathroom because his showers lasted longer than 10,000 years, the slight sound of Coran's mindless rambling, the hum of the engine room, the playful voices that filled every square inch, all of it. 

All pf the paladins had come to terms that the Castle of Lions was as close to home as they were going to get. 

But the part for Pidge that felt the most familiar was her room. It was decked out in picture frames, posters, dirty clothes, random tech supplies, current projects, memes, etc. She felt like she was back on Earth, in her little room on the second floor. 

She hated how it felt homey. 

She hated how it reminded her of her family. 

It shouldn't do that.

Only Earth could do that. 

Only Earth could be her home. 

She wandered through the empty halls. Her shoes slid on the smooth surface. On normal days she would put on socks skate through the halls like a maniac with Lance, but tonight she was just walking. The Castle was still stationed on the planet, and everyone else was asleep. They thought she was, too.

Her silent footsteps continued past the training room, where she discovered this was one of the few nights Keith could actually get some shut-eye. They traveled past the lounge, past the hangars, and to one of the airlocks. When they were dying through space on a mission, there would be a beautiful view of stars taking up the big window. But now, there were just trees. 

She walked into the airlock and opened the window. She climbed out of the Castle, making sure to close the hatch behind her. She hopped down to the forest floor. The locks were positioned pretty low to the ground, so it wasn't that big of a jump.

She regained her footing and started walking away from the ship.

She didn't know where she was going, or why she was going in the first place. Something about it just felt _right_. 

She navigated around trees, climbed under fallen logs and over rocks. The terrain got more and more difficult to travel on with every step. She didn't know how long she was walking, didn't know how far she was going. 

She didn't know if she would remember the way back.

She just kept going. 

The moon had risen high into the night sky, the bright rays of light shining down onto the ground. Shadows of the leaves that danced in the light breeze decorated the forest floor, the dirt covered in a ghastly glow. The scene almost seemed surreal, like it was the setting of some fantasy movie of something. 

It was kind of creepy. 

A sound that resembled the chirping of crickets filled the forest, enveloping it in a blanket of noise. 

But she could still hear her footsteps as they crunched the dead leaves on the ground. 

Leaves in the canopy above rustled with the presence of wind. More shadows moved along the tree trunks, and on her path. She pushed through a bunch of low-hanging branches in her way. 

Then she saw it.

A clearing stood before her, with short grass and wildflowers everywhere. Trees lined the edge of the clearing, and the moonlight shone onto every single blade of grass, illuminating the area in a lively aura. 

In the middle of the clearing was a lake.

On the edge of the lake was a dock.

_01001001 00100000 01100110 01100001 01101001 01101100 01100101 01100100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00101110 00100000 01001001 00100111 01101101 00100000 01110011 01101111 00100000 01110011 01101111 01110010 01110010 01111001 00101110 00100000 01000010 01110101 01110100 00100000 01001001 00100000 01110111 01100001 01101110 01110100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01101000 01100101 01110010 01100101 00100000 01110111 01101001 01110100 01101000 00100000 01101101 01100101 00101110 00100000 01010000 01101100 01100101 01100001 01110011 01100101 00100000 01100011 01101111 01101101 01100101 00100000 01100010 01100001 01100011 01101011 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01101101 01100101 00101110_

She walked closer to the wooden structure, the moon shining onto her and covering her in white light. Her footsteps no longer alerted the forest of her presence. Her honey eyes glowed in the brightness, focused on the edge of the dock.

It almost felt like she was in some sort of trance. Under some sort of spell. Like her body was moving even though she wasn't telling it too. 

But she knew she was safe. 

She wasn't in danger. 

She stepped onto the end of the wooden dock, and heard a _creak_ come from somewhere in the structure. She took slow steps further towards the edge of the wood, each one causing another small moan to come from the boards that supported her. 

As she neared the water, the shore was long behind her. Her eyes were set on the edge of the dock. 

When she reached the edge, she sat down. She removed her shoes and socks and laid them next to her. 

Her toes scratched the edge of the water, causing ripples to travel from her feet. 

The water was cold. The air was cold. 

Her heart was cold.

_\---------_

_It was early August. The sun was high in the atmosphere, the rays that came from it shone onto the world, covering it in a warm glow. Green leaves covered the trees, birds were heard chirping, and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. The sound of waves could be heard from far out on the sand, the shouts and cries of joy from other people as they splashed in the cold water. The light covered the sand, heating it to the point where it hurt your feet._

_"Did you finish the third tower?" Matt asked, a small purple shovel in his right hand._

_"Of course I did! Now I'm helping Katie with the fourth," Sam replied, a handful of sticks and a bucket of water filling his grasp._

_The three Holts were working on a large sandcastle. Matt was chipping away with his small shovel on the second big tower, and Sam helped Katie for hers. The four almost-complete towers were stationed around the big tower in the center. Small shells and pebbles decorated each spire, and the center one was covered in random things._

_"There, what do you think?" Katie said, stepping back to look at her work. Sam was placing the last stick in the top of the tower. "Awesome! Could you guys finish the moat?" Matt asked, turning his attention back to his tower._

_Katie grabbed one of the bigger shovels and got down on her knees. She continued to dig from where Mom had left off. There was only about a foot of moat left to dig. She shoveled the wet sand and piled it behind her, a couple small chunks falling on her dark blue swimsuit._

_As she neared the start of the other end of the moat, Sam helped Matt finish his spire. Katie dumped the rest of the water into the trench, the liquid lining the edge of the castle._

_"Matt, where did you put that bandana you found earlier?" Sam asked, looking around the building site. Matt, not looking up from his shells, reached underneath his red swim trunks and pulled out the green bandana. He handed it to Sam, and Sam tied it around the biggest stick._

_"Done!" Matt and Katie said at the same time, lifting their hands up from the castle._

_Sam took the makeshift green flag and stuck it into the top of the center tower. The light breeze lapped at the bandana, causing it to flop around in the air._

_Beyond the moat, the castle was covered in intricate designs of shells and rocks, seaweed and sticks. The whole thing was probably a good three feet tall, reaching up to Matt's chin._

_"Guys!? It looks amazing!" Colleen said, walking up behind the three._

_"Why thank you," Sam said, standing up and putting an arm around his wife._

_"Now, would the expert castle builders like some chocolate ice cream?" Colleen said, holding four ice cream cones in her hands._

_"Yeah!" Katie said, rushing over to claim her treat. Matt followed._

_As she grabbed her cone and started eating it, she heard a small splash by the castle. She turned her head to see a small blob swimming around in the moat._

_She hurried back to the castle, bending down to see whatever animal it was._

_She gasped when she realized it was a baby turtle._

_"Mom, Dad, Matt, look! It's a little turtle!" Katie shouted to her family and watched as they each crouched down to take a look at the small animal. It looked so cute floating around in the small moat._

_Katie was only five. She hadn't really seen any animals like this one this close. Her eyes were filled with amazement. She was looking down at the beginning of the next generation of turtles. Once this one grew big and strong, it would have baby turtles of its own. Then those turtles would grow up and have even more turtles._

_She couldn't help but smile as she thought of this little baby having little grand-turtles of its own._

_In that moment, she was astounded at the beauty of life._

_While at this young age she was not aware that the turtle would most likely not make it into its adult years, her parents refrained from telling her. They smiled as she helped the little baby animal out of the muddy moat._

_She walked alongside it all the way to the waves, stopping when she reached the water. She bent down and gave the turtle a small nudge towards the ocean. The baby hesitated, then stumbled right into the oncoming waves._

_Katie stayed there, kneeling on the wet sand, and watched as the turtle disappeared from view, enveloped in the waves. Matt came up from behind her and sat next to her. She leaned her head onto his shoulder, and felt the warmth of her mother pulling her in a hug. Sam placed a hand on her shoulder._

_The family looked out to the incoming waves._

_They looked at the beauty of life._

_\---------_

Her eyes were filled with life. 

She stared out onto the surface of the lake. 

The water was perfectly still, now that her toes had stopped moving. The surface looked so smooth, so flat. It looked so peaceful and calm, like if you were to dive in the water would wash away all your worries. 

The water also reflected the stars. 

The night sky was visible through the gap in the trees, each star shining like a beacon down to the lake then bouncing off right back into the pitch-black sky. It was a beautiful sight. And it was hidden by all this forest. 

The moon sat still on the water's surface, untouched by any ripples or waves. 

Pidge knew that if she moved her foot even the slightest bit, ripples would flow from the impact point and distort the perfect reflection of the moon. She didn't want to ruin the beauty, didn't want to interrupt the peace. 

At that moment, the universe seemed to be in balance.

There was war, of course, fighting and violence and death and vengeance, but there was also uniting. Kindness. Life. Forgiveness.

For what seemed to be the first time in her entire life, Pidge felt at peace with the world. Like she was seeing into the universe, watching the battles, witnessing the victories. She could feel the pain of being torn in different places, much like the universe was now. She could hear the footsteps of sentries like her heartbeat, getting faster and faster as danger approached. 

But she also felt calm. She heard the sound of birds chirping, heard the rustling of leaves in the wind, felt the warmth of the sun on the back of her neck. 

It all felt so _real_.

She was supposed to be one with nature and all, but this put it in a whole new perspective. 

Her breathing slowed to the rhythm of the footsteps, her eyes looked up to the sky. She saw the endless reaches of space, saw the countless number of stars. 

She felt _important_. 

She felt like Mother Nature, intune and acute to everything around her. She was comfortable with her surroundings, familiar with the terrain. 

The stars shone down on her peace, her inner tranquility, her life. 

Then they shone on her family. 

She broke. 

She tried to fight the emotions, keep them hidden like she could in front of the team most of the time. She tried taking deep breaths, tried to calm herself down. 

It didn't work.

All the memories came flooding back to her like an avalanche. The sound of their voices, the warmth of their smiles, the comfort of their arms, the life in their eyes. She remembered her home, playing around with her family, laughing with them, celebrating with them, crying with them, screaming during horror movies with them, everything. She remembered mourning _two_ of them. She remembered sobbing with _one_ of them. She remembered looking to the pictures of the _four_ of them and bursting into tears. 

A sob worked it's way up from her throat. 

Her toes moved, distorting the reflection of the moon. The perfect surface of the water was now ruined, the ripples coming from where her tears splashed covering the entire lake. 

She cried out into the empty night, cried out to the rustling of leaves and the chirping of birds. She wailed to the trees, to the wildflowers that grew in the clearing. She howled to the moon. She screamed to the stars. 

The balance inside her was broken. 

Shattered.

Every ounce of hope, every fiber of will she had just broke. Broke into a million tiny little pieces and rained on the rest of her helpless body. 

She screamed to the sky. Her vocal cords burned, but she didn't care. Tears streamed down her face, splashing down all over her and the deck. Her voice echoed throughout the forest, bouncing off every leaf and twig the same way the stars reflected off the water. 

She buried her face in her hands, muffling her cries of agony. 

It _hurt_.

_01001001 00100000 01101011 01101110 01101111 01110111 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100111 01110010 01100101 00100000 01101111 01110101 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 01110010 01100101 00100000 01110011 01101111 01101101 01100101 01110111 01101000 01100101 01110010 01100101 00101110 00100000 01010111 01101000 01100101 01110010 01100101 01110110 01100101 01110010 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100001 01110010 01100101 00101100 00100000 01001001 00100000 01110111 01101001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01100110 01101001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00101110 00100000 01001110 01101111 00100000 01101101 01100001 01110100 01110100 01100101 01110010 00100000 01110111 01101000 01100001 01110100 00101110 00100000 01001001 00100000 01110000 01110010 01101111 01101101 01101001 01110011 01100101 00101110_

She remembered her father's loving face, her brother's goofy smile, her mother's comforting embrace. She remembered it all. 

And it had all been taken away.

The day she discovered half her family was 'dead', she had cried for hours. Days. _Weeks_. Pity and grief had blinded the rest of the world from the truth. That they weren't dead. She knew they wouldn't make a mistake like that. _Pilot error_. That was impossible. Not with half of her family on that ship.

She had hacked, coded, scanned, typed, downloaded, and saved from dusk till dawn every day. She poured out all her time into finding her 'dead' family. She put all her energy into it. All her hope. All her life.

And now here she was, sitting helpless feeling bad for herself. And did she have any lead on family?

No.

Not at all.

Useless.

She shouted into her wet hands, shouted at the Galra for taking her brother and father, shouted at the universe for being so unfair, shouted at herself for being so _stupid_. She needed to scream, shout, yell, cry, _something_ to release her anger.

Hunk and Lance had family. They were spending time with their loved ones back on Earth before this all happened. They didn't have anything to worry about. They could go to sleep feeling nice and secure that they would be reunited again. She couldn't. She didn't know what happened to Shiro's parents. Maybe they had died. If they had died at least he would be able to find them. She couldn't. Keith was still looking for his mom, but he had Shiro. Shiro was practically his older brother. He could have sibling talks, rely on someone like only a sibling could. 

She couldn't.

_Why did this all have to happen?_

_Why did she have to lose her family?_

Unanswered questions flowed through her brain at the same rate that tears did from her eyes. 

Her body shook. Her fists were clenched. Her eyes were red and puffy. Her mouth opened to scream once more, but tears filled it almost instantly. 

Her family had always been so supportive of the idea of exploration. Discovering something no one else had before. As children, she and Matt would scour through the backyard in search of an undiscovered species. They would pretend to be these experienced nature people, investigating every plant or animal to come in their field of view. 

Which was why space was so interesting to the Holts. Why they were so set on going out into the unknown, exploring new planets and bringing back information that could help the people on Earth better understand things they would most likely never get to see. Outer space was inviting, intriguing, and inspirational. There wasn't usually a feeling of fear. 

But Matt and Sam and Shiro had explored a bit too much. 

And now fear was all that filled her when she thought of outer space. Fear of losing her family again, fear of losing the war, fear of never really finding the ones she loved. There was always beauty in all the planets, the civilizations, the technology, all of it. 

You could turn from astounded to dead in a matter of seconds.

She hated that word. _Dead_. She had heard that word so many times. She was sick of that word.

Every time someone said it, an involuntary shiver would run down her spine. 

She didn't want to live in a reality where death was expected, was welcomed. Where it was seen daily in great numbers, where it was celebrated and mocked. Seeing sentries and commanders and soldiers fade into the light of an explosion brought her nothing but guilt and pain. 

Darkness, pain, suffering, power, and weakness surrounded her. Everything was filled with war, with sadness, with death. And it made her gag.

And this war had torn her family into pieces. 

She gasped for air. Air she couldn't seem to find. Her airways were filled with tears, dried with cries of anguish. She coughed. 

No matter how much violence and war that filled the universe, she would find them. She had to. She had made a promise to Matt that if he didn't come back she would have to go out into space and get him.

At the time it had seemed like a childish joke, but now it was deathly serious. 

She needed to find them. She would search everywhere in the universe if she had to. 

Her hands mindlessly rubbed her eyes in an attempt to clear the tears. She managed to take a deep breath.

Ideas, thoughts, questions, they all swarmed her brain. 

She needed to calm down. She needed to stop crying, to stop feeling bad for herself. She wasn't the only one experiencing loss and pain. How could she pity herself when others were going through so much more? 

Paladins were supposed to be strong. Be role-models. They were supposed to put the needs of others in front of their own. Heck, the whole universe was riding on their shoulders. She couldn't waste time and energy mourning a family she would never find. 

She needed to push down her emotions and put on a smile for the sake of her reality. The one where mourning was a privilege not everyone could experience. 

Her fists pounded on the edge of the dock, and she was rocking back and forth. Her breathing became more even, and she could feel her heartbeat returning to a somewhat normal speed. 

As she slowly calmed down, her eyes opened. Tears blurred her vision. She wiped them away, looking back to the surface of the lake. Her toes had lifted from the water and rested against the wood, so the only ripples came from the tears that never seemed to stop. 

The stars danced on the surface. They rocked back and forth over the small waves. So did the moon. 

She felt the small breeze lap at her short brown hair. The leaves around her rustled, reminding her that she was in the middle of the woods. She wasn't back in the Castle lounge, she was out in nature. Where she felt comfortable and safe. So why had she been so sad? Being surrounded by trees and wildlife almost always made her feel happy. Reminded her of the good times she spent with her family. She had played outside, in trees, around wildlife all the time at home. She had created so many memories. 

She could remember celebrating Matt's graduation. The family had set up a big tent in the backyard, tables and chairs were everywhere, and the whole extended family came over. All of her little cousins were running around, climbing on trees, riding on each other's shoulders. All her aunts and uncles and grandparents were there. And the entire afternoon they were all outside, and she felt at home. Not just because of the surroundings, but also because she was with her family.

But her family wasn't in this forest. And her family wouldn't ever be. 

Because she was too useless to find them. 

She pulled her legs underneath her and raised her body up. With her feet solid on the ground, she worked her way to a standing position. Her arms were covering her upper arms, the wind creating a low temperature that gave her goosebumps. 

She took a step backward. Away from the edge of the dock, away from the stars, away from the moon. 

Away from the memories.

Away from the tears.

She rubbed her arms, offering her some comfort. She took another step. Another. 

She saw the wooden boards move away from her feet. Each new step brought a moan from the rusty support beams that allowed the dock to stay above the water. Her eyes stayed fixed on the moon.

The reflection was once again perfectly still.

She felt the familiar poke of the tips of grass against her ankles. She looked down to see her feet imprinting the tall grass. 

Then she tilted her head to look up at the sky. The stars that had reflected off the lake stared down at her. In the back of her mind, she saw shapes and constellations in them. She had always done that back at home.

She wiped another tear from her cheek.

Matt and Sam were somewhere out there. Maybe in the walls of a cell. Maybe on a planet in a solar system far, far away. Maybe off on some mission after breaking out of prison. Maybe...dead.

But they were somewhere in those stars.

And wherever that happened to be, she would find them.

She needed to.

_\---------_

_It was the last day of December. Snow was piled up on the roof, icicle hung from the window sills. Leaves were gone from the trees, buried by a thin layer of frozen water. Layers of ice covered the porch railing. Small snowflakes rained down quietly on the ground, settling into the heaps of snow. The full moon shone down on the cold surface, giving it a beautiful glow. The sky was a darker shade of blue than normal. There was still enough light to see, but it was dark enough where the snow was illuminated for all to see._

_"I bet I can!" Katie protested, crossing her arms. A frown sat atop her face._

_"I think you'll be gone by ten," Matt disagreed, raising an eyebrow at her. Katie gasped._

_"I can stay up longer than that!" She argued, looking to her mother for help. "You think I could make it, don't you?"_

_Colleen sighed. "I'm not sure, honey."_

_Katie's mouth fell open._

_"I'm gonna prove you guys wrong. I'll stay up till midnight. I'll see the fireworks. And then you won't doubt me."_

_"Okay then. You do that," Matt said, patting her on the shoulder._

_Katie had stayed up after midnight before. Her family didn't know it, though. She had been up till three in the morning working on some of her big projects. While she was only nine, she still had some pretty cool stuff to work on. Her family didn't think she could stay up with the rest of them to see the yearly fireworks that went off when the new year hit._

_It was already nine o'clock. That meant only three other hours. Easy-peasy._

_There were some chips and salsa out on the kitchen counter, and some drinks on the dining table. A movie was all set up in the living room. The warmth of the fireplace filled the whole room._

_The family was in for one heck of a night._

_..........................._

_Katie hopped up onto the couch, black marker in hand. The cap was forgotten on the floor._

_Playing cards and crumbs were spread all over the floor. The television was still running, the news channel blasted throughout the house. Sam and Colleen had gone to get the lawn chairs so they could see the fireworks from their lawn._

_They were only getting three chairs._

_Matt was sleeping on one of the chairs in the living room. And Katie was approaching him with an uncapped marker._

_She placed the marker on his forehead and started to write._

_When her parents came back, she capped the marker and ran to them. The three Holts went out onto their porch and set up the chairs. Katie sat in the smallest one. Their view was clear to the center of the neighborhood._

_Sam looked down at his watch. "11:56," he said._

_The family waited the next four minutes in anticipation. This was a holiday they really enjoyed. Celebrating the past year and moving on to the next one wasn't something that happened just any other day. It was special, something to be remembered and cherished.  
_

_The first firework went off into the sky._

_A firing trail of sparks rose high into the night, and exploded. Green and blue lights flew from the impact point, causing a beautiful color to reflect off the windows._

_Katie's eyes lit up._

_"You guys started without me?" Matt asked sluggishly, stumbling out onto the porch. Sam and Colleen started laughing as he neared them. "What?" Matt asked, confused._

_'I'm a poopyhead' was written on his forehead, but instead of saying anything Sam and Colleen just shook their heads. Katie got up and sat on her mother's lap, and Matt sat where she had been sitting before._

_The firework show continued for another half an hour. Large trails of red and blue and yellow and green shot up from the ground and burst into breathtaking displays. Loud booms filled their ears. Colorful flashes covered their faces._

_But Katie wasn't as interested in the fireworks. She was admiring the stars. Looking at the constellations._

_It was silly to think that those stars were looking down on her, but she thought that anyway._

_As the show ended and everyone started to cheer, Katie joined in. Not only to thank them for getting such amazing fireworks, but also to thank the world for another year. She couldn't wait to see what this next one had in store._

_She looked up into the night sky, her eyes ablaze with a fire that wouldn't stop burning for years._

_With her family by her side, and with the stars looking over her, it was really starting to feel like home._

**Author's Note:**

> I should probably stop writing so much angst.
> 
> But I love writing angst.
> 
> I love it almost as much as I love Pidge. 
> 
> And y'all know how much of a statement that is.
> 
> Anywho.
> 
> As always, I'll see y'all in the next one.
> 
> Byuu.


End file.
